Is your local pond full of frogs? Do you kiss them hoping to get a handsome prince only to find slimy lips and nothing changes? You’re hanging around the wrong dating pool, and it’s time to make some changes.

You’ve certainly heard the armchair definition of insanity – “doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.” Well dating insanity is, “dating the same kind of guys over and over while expecting them to become something that they aren’t.”

Are you satisfied with losers? Of course not. You don’t intend to kiss a frog, you’re just mistaking him for a prince-in-training. You have to stop settling for guys who are almost right and find your Mr. Right.

Every single woman faces an honesty crisis. Once you get to the bar, there are plenty of men who say everything except what’s on their mind. What if he said what he really thought – “Hi, your dress is too tight and your makeup’s overdone so you look like a tramp and I’m ready to treat you like one, okay?”

But no, he does the flattery and the seduction game, so you hear the line he’s feeding you and it matches what you want to hear, so it’s a match, at least for a few hours. Face it, girls, men in bars lie.

They want sex, you want a dating relationship. So you give them what they want and they lose your phone number. You thought he was sincere but you didn’t put him to the Prince test.

The real Prince Charming likes sex (he’s not a dead yet) but he like you more. He wants to build a relationship with you and is willing to wait on sex to prove his interest in you as a person.

You might kiss Prince Charming goodnight at the door, but he remains a prince. If he’s in disguise and you kiss him at the door, he turns back into a frog and gets pushy. Slam the door on his slimy foot or any other handy appendage.

It’s difficult to find the real Prince Charming among all of the pretenders. Not only do men in bars lie, but they also put on a great show of sincerity. Some have it down to a fine art.

They’re even trained in pickup master groups to listen to what you want and suddenly become that guy. They learn to echo your words and even follow your body movements so that you’re instantly disarmed by them.

True Princes may not be as slick and sometimes they’re even awkward. You can work on the law of large numbers and kiss a lot of frogs, hoping to eventually find a Prince. Or you can give up the love lottery and save your kisses for the guy who truly deserves everything you have to offer a man!

Somewhere in time, women became known as “the weaker sex.” Tell that to Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Annie Oakley or Susan B. Anthony. Obviously those women, an entire tribe of Amazons and possibly many of your friends would fiercely disagree.

So why are you surrendering yourself to get the approval of some guy? You’re falling for an idea that psychologists call the “approval trap.” Before you start to defend yourself, yes, it’s great when you get affirmation from friends and co-workers for what you do.

The problem is when you depend on their approval for who you are. See the difference? Handing over your self-esteem to anyone is a dangerous and usually damaging choice. The person whose approval you believe that you must have can respond honestly or dishonestly.

He could choose to be an encourager to you or verbally take you down to his Neanderthal level. You’re making a sucker bet by changing yourself to gain his approval. The price is simply too high.

To attract a man who is secure in himself and ready to be an equal partner in a relationship, you have to be that kind of person. Like minds attract. If you’re an insecure and clingy woman who has no idea who she is, then why do you think you’ll attract a man who is the opposite?

The type of man that you don’t want is counting on you to play the old role of doing whatever it takes to snag him. Maybe you cut your hair when you don’t want to or spend a week’s paycheck to add hair weaves when you prefer short hair.

Then you change your wardrobe from business classic to streetwalker glam because that’s what he likes. You “learn” to drink or smoke because he wants you to do it even though you’ve been adamantly opposed to both.

In no time, you make excuses to ditch your friends because he wants to “be alone” or “expand your circle.” The way to snag this guy is to give up your life and your identity to be his personal toy. Bad deal for you, great deal for him.

History also shows men as pursing the Holy Grail or the buried treasure. When motivated that the prize is worth the effort, men go to any lengths to win. What if that treasure is you?

Are you presenting yourself as a treasure, a person of great worth? You do that by being your authentic self. The right kind of man respects consistency and self esteem in a woman and he won’t ask you to change into something you aren’t.

Do you ever wonder if there are any guys out there who are worth dating? Where are they? And why can’t you find them? Yes, they’re out there – but maybe you’re looking in the wrong places.

You might even know a great guy right now, but you’re passing him by because you aren’t sure what you really want. Chances are you’re letting yourself look for men the way you shop for shoes – changing your mind with each new trend or mood.

Finding the right single man is not about pleasing your friends or a competition for attracting the hottest guy at the party. Finding the right single man only happens when you know what you want in a man.

Think of man hunting like bargain hunting at a clearance sale. Sure, the neon orange skirt is 80% off the regular price, but where would you wear it? That conservative black suit is a classic, but your style is sporty and casual – it just doesn’t fit with the rest of your wardrobe.

Buying another tank top that’s not your size won’t look any better because it’s on sale than the one you already have that shrank in the wash. Mr. Neon Orange may be easy to lead around, but he would never fit into your world.

Mr. Conservative Black Suit runs with a more formal crowd than your flip flop loving crowd. Mr. Too-Tight Tank Top is just like Mr. Jerk that you spent months crying over last year – do you really want to do that again?

You have to know what you want in a man before you can find him. So take out a piece of paper and draw three columns. The left column is for “What’s Important,” middle column is for “Requirements” and right column is for “Preferences.”

The “What’s Important” column includes such items as age, income, appearance, moral value, habits like smoking/drinking, common interests, sports, commitment style and family values.

Don’t try to fit any particular guys into this list – not yet. Prepare this list with absolute honesty. Decide what characteristics are “must haves” (Requirements) and which are “like to haves” (Preferences).

Until you know this information, you really can’t make a solid decision about any guy. Maybe you’ve ignored nagging requirements in order to accept a certain guy as he is. That’s a relationship red flag.

If you’re a personal trainer who is into natural foods, you can make all the excuses in the world, but you won’t last with a guy who smokes and craves fatty fast foods 24/7. The conflict between what’s important to him and what’s important to you means that one of you has to change.

Don’t count on changing him. If you change your beliefs, how much of yourself gets lost? Over time, you’ll either resent him or resent yourself – the conflict in inevitable. Knowing what you want is the fair way to date.

Why waste your time (and his) when the foundational elements aren’t there? It’s also important to be honest with yourself about the type of man that you really want. When you know how to describe him, you’ll have an easier time recognizing him when you meet him. Maybe you already know him – you just didn’t know yourself!

Every Friday night, single women launch the weekend hunt for Mr. Right. What’s amazing is that many of them pass Mr. Right every day in the office or while out walking the dog after work.

He’s as likely to be at your gym, shopping in your grocery store or standing in line at your favorite movie theatre as he is hanging around the singles mingle hour at some local bar.

Since it’s hard to find him, let’s look at the alternatives:

Mr. Right Here is the guy who is handy. He works in your department or lives in your apartment complex. He might be the nice neighbor of your best friend. You’ve seen him so often that he blends into the scenery.

He’s not pushy or forward and never comes at you with stupid pick up lines. He’s so nice that you immediately think there must be something wrong with him. But there’s not. He’s simply a nice guy, hard working and not trying too hard.

Mr. Right Now is the guy who’s asking you out for dates regularly. He wants to spend time with you, but you aren’t captivated by him. Finally, you look around and see all of your girlfriends with boyfriends, so you decide to hang onto him.

After all, you don’t want to be the last girl left standing alone on the sidelines – and he’s happy just to be with you. You might actually like him if you weren’t using him for a prop to make you look popular while you scan the room for something better.

Mr. Right for Them is the guy that everyone is certain is right for you. He’s the son of your parents’ friends and they’ve conspired several times so that you could meet him. He might be the college roommate of your best friend’s husband and they think he’s a wonderful guy.

It’s possible that he’s a new member of the tennis club and your friends shuffle the foursome list so you can play doubles, hoping that the action extends beyond the court. Basically, you’re getting so much “help” from others that you aren’t sure if you really like him or if you’re trying to please other people who care about both of you.

Mr. Right But is the guy that could be perfect, but there’s some impediment that you aren’t sure will work. Maybe he’s a divorced single father with custody of two small children. You aren’t even sure you want children and certainly not a ready-made family with instant motherhood.

He might have a job with extensive world travel or he’s in the military and could be stationed in hazardous locations for months at a time. He could be a great guy, but he just doesn’t fit your fairytale story – instead of the tall, handsome prince, he’s barely your height and prematurely balding.

So where is Mr. Right? Before you answer, “I don’t know,” take a look around – an honest look. Do you see Mr. Right Here, Mr. Right Now, Mr. Right for Them or Mr. Right But? You might take a second look. One of them could be your Mr. Right who is waiting for you to see him for what he really is.

How specific is your wish list for the ideal man? Tall, dark and handsome? Six pack abs and glistening suntan skin? Strong silent type? You have in mind a guy who looks great and has a solid sense of self respect.

If that’s the man you want, what do you have to offer in return? A guy who values his physical and emotional well-being is going to want the same in his woman. Don’t rush out and buy crazy diet pills and running shoes.

Physical health isn’t about being a size 2. Being physically healthy is not and never was a dress size. Physical health is getting your body in the right proportions so that it functions for optimal health.

The worst thing a woman can do to herself is to start a ridiculously restrictive or fad diet to lose down to a target dress size. The only “size” that matters is to be within the range of the Body Mass Index (BMI) that matches your height because that’s when you feel your best.

When you achieve that weight range, then your body functions better and you have the added bonus of looking great. That’s a far better goal than picking a size or weight. Once you reach the optimal BMI, your body will practically be screaming for activity.

Exercise won’t be a chore – it will be a pleasure – a healthy release for all your pent-up energy. A healthy body is an active body. If you want your man to be buff and trim, then you’ll want to look like his girlfriend, not his mother.

A man who is self-assured and goal oriented is looking for those qualities in a woman. He’s not dating you to be your therapist (even if he is a therapist) or your shoulder to cry on (that’s why we need girlfriends).

The kind of man who is emotionally healthy is looking for that same emotional maturity in a woman. If one person in the relationship isn’t emotionally healthy, then that person drags down the relationship.

You have to be able to live with yourself before you can expect a man to be able to live with you. Take a personal inventory right now. Are you overweight? A whopping 67% of Americans are dangerously overweight, so you aren’t alone.

Are you easily distressed, burned out or depressed? Emotional problems are also common and depression is more common among women than men. If you’re being held back by weight or emotional problems, then you have to deal with it before you’re ready to form a lasting relationship.

Think about some of the decisions you’ve made when you were unhappy with yourself. If you don’t believe it, go to your closet and pull out the “I give up dress.” You know, it’s the dress that you wear when you feel crummy and don’t care what anybody thinks about how you look.

In that same state of mind or body, you’ll pick a guy who is the “I give up relationship.” He won’t be the life partner that you long to find. He may cling to you out of his distresses, but he won’t lift you out of your own problems. Only you can do that.

In the old cowboy westerns, it was easy to tell the good guys from the bad guys. The good guys wore white hats and their smile seemed to sparkle just a bit more than average. Unfortunately in the dating world, you don’t know right away who is really a good guy and who is a bad boy.

By the time you find out, you may have experienced a lot of misery and disappointment. Movies and television glorify the Bad Boy as a misunderstood man with a kind heart, even though it’s not evident.

The Good Guy is portrayed as virtuous and stable in ways that suggest these qualities are dull. So which is better? What do they have to offer? The Good Guy is honest and trustworthy – he’s a man of his word to you and to everyone else.

If he says he’s been called back to work for a second shift, then he really is working – you don’t have to wonder. The Good Guy is focused on you – he cares about what brings you joy, even if it means taking you to the newest chick flick when his favorite superhero is on the screen next door.

He appreciates the cookies you baked, eating every crumb – even the burned parts! He brings flowers for no reason and never forgets your birthday. He plans wonderful dates and trips, but never on the spur of the moment. He’s dependable and prompt.

The Bad Boy is selfish and greedy, yet he manages to make such elaborate excuses that you overlook his immaturity. If he says he’s called back to work for a second shift, you never know if it’s to work at the office or a late date with another woman.

He manages to redefine the world in ways that work for him. The Bad Boy is focused on doing for you just as little as possible to soften you up to get what he wants. If he brings flowers, it’s because he heard someone mention that it’s Valentines and he stole the roses from a cemetery on the way to your house.

He’s always spur of the moment with grandiose ideas that are crazy, fun and totally unpredictable. He’s not dependable and runs on his own time. Based on what values you consider important in a relationship, you might go for the Bad Boy or the Good Guy.

Maybe you’ve tried them both. Some women feel that the Bad Boy is more exciting and adventurous. Other women find comfort and security in the Good Guy’s honesty and genuine caring.

Good Guys certainly make better husbands than Bad Boys, unless you enjoy a lifetime of unpredictability. There are women who will argue for both. The question is, do you want one kind of man to play around with and another to marry? If that’s the case, then you have to be honest with yourself about just how long you expect your fling to last before you get serious in looking for a potential husband.

When you ask a friend about where she met her new guy and she says, “at an Online Dating site,” are you stunned? Or are you comfortable with the fact that online matchmaking is the new pickup scene for singles?

Either way, more and more people are meeting online and developing lasting relationships. Some actually result in marriage and we’re talking marriages last beyond the weekend!

We get everything online now, so why not a date? One advantage the local bar has over online matching is that you can actually see each other. In the online world, you can literally re-create your identity to be anything that you want to be.

You can bet that many people in the online dating scene do that. Veteran online daters have had plenty of experiences where the photo did not look anything like the person they met.

Whether the photo had 30 pounds electronically edited off their thighs or turned a beer belly into six pack abs, the reality looks nothing like the promise in the photo. Then there’s the posted information that may or may not be true.

Yes, he works with the executive team in a high powered financial trading company. Doesn’t that make you think he’s a stock broker or an executive? He hopes that’s what you think.

The fact is, he does work with the executive team – he delivers their mail. He’s the mail clerk and does coffee runs for the executive team meetings. So he’s not exactly lying, but he sure is letting your imagination run wild.

In Cyberspace, you can be anything you want to be. It’s like a giant dollhouse where pretending is expected and you can change your persona at will. The only difference is that kids at play know it’s pretend.

Online, you can’t easily tell who is real and who is lying. If you’re sincere about meeting a date online, then put your real self out there, too. Don’t do what you hate from other people and make yourself out to be something that you aren’t.

Post a current photo, preferably one that shows the real you. Forget the glamour girl shots with wispy feather boas and teased hair. If you’re a tee shirt and jean jacket kind of girl, then put that photo on your profile.

List your occupation honestly, but don’t give too much information (where they might be able to track you down). You can say that you’re in an entry level banking job without saying you’re a morning teller at Maple Street Branch of XYZ Bank.

Be honest about your preferences. If you only want to date guys from your same cultural, ethnic, religious or philosophical background, then say so. Why waste their time (and yours) by not adding all of the qualifiers that are important to you?

It’s better to get a few select responses from guys that you would consider dating than an email box full of answers from guys who aren’t really your type.

There are a lot of men at bars. During the “Ladies Hour,” when women drink free, men flock to the bars. They know that there’ll be women and free flowing booze, which for them is the perfect match.

Cheap booze and easy women or easy booze and cheap women, they don’t care. These men are there for one reason – to find a woman whose alcohol consumption is up and her defenses down.

Bars are fine for meeting people and having fun with friends. As for finding Mr. Right, you’re more likely to find Mr. Right Now. But don’t nice guys go to bars too? Sure, some do and are just there to hang out with friends after work.

Other men, who are known to be nice guys at work or around their families, get into a bar and feel that they can turn into a bad boy. They’re just looking for a quick hook up, not a relationship.

But in the time tested tradition of men offering love to get sex, they say whatever they have to in order to check out your Victoria’s Secret style. We all know the dangers of drinking and driving. Not enough women recognize the equal dangers of drinking and dating.

That guy who seemed so fine at the bar last night walks up to your apartment the next night to pick you up and you can’t believe your eyes. This is not the kind of guy that you were looking for – how did he get your number?

You gave it to him. Drinking reduces inhibitions, which is a nice way of saying that your good sense floated away in the third round of vodka. The bar scene is also the new training ground for groups of men who aspire to be pickup masters.

There’s even actual live training by guys who claim to be irresistible. They take groups of losers and pledge to turn them into super studs in a matter of weeks. And where do these future hot shots train?

In the local bar, of course. There, they take their memorized introductory lines and follow a script to pick up women. They’re coached in techniques that mirror a psychological concept known as Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which helps them to further reduce your fear of them and feel in a short time as if you’ve known them for quite awhile.

That helps the man to lure you into bed, which is the ultimate scoring objective of the pickup game. The guy who has sex with the most women wins. He may have some extensive medical treatments on the horizon, but he wins as a pickup master!

Notice that the pickup training happens in bars – that’s because there are plenty of women who are looking to connect and they’re drinking. This is recognized by the pickup trainers are a powerful combination: loneliness plus alcohol multiplied by rehearsed pickup lines.

Do you want to be their next victim? That’s what the bar scene might become for you. Even if the guys aren’t part of an organized group, their objective is often the same. Score sex with the lowest bar tab in the shortest amount of time. No wonder it’s difficult to meet a sincere guy by bar hopping! Now’s the time for you to expand your dating pool and see what’s beyond the lights, music, and drinks being used against you.

Ask a couple who has been married for 25 or 50 years what keeps their relationship alive and they usually tell you that they have important things in common. It may be animal magnetism that draws your attention to a man, but it’s not enough to keep you together over the decades.

His wavy dark hair turns gray and falls out. His six pack abs fall into his six pack drinking beer belly. The time he spent gazing into your eyes is now spent in a trance before the television set watching NASCAR.

There has to be something more than sex or fascination that keeps a couple together. Couples who share the same values have a bond that goes beyond physical attraction. It’s a foundation for their relationship.

If you’re from a family with strong ethnic or cultural heritage, then you need to find a man who shares that background. Otherwise, your relationship will be strained each time his family values and yours collide.

In some families, marrying outside of the ethnicity or faith creates serious divisions between you and your family. You may say that you’ll give up family for love, but how will you feel about this after you have children?

Even the issue of whose values or faith will be practiced by the children is enough to tear apart relationships. There are a few high status couples in the media who come from different sides of the political spectrum.

You may be conservative and he’s liberal – which makes for lively conversations. But if your political beliefs are radically different, this is going to impact how well your friends mix and how you live out your beliefs.

A materialistic woman who falls for a dedicated environmentalist starts a relationship with so many opposite values. She wants all of the latest appliances and finds recycling to be too much trouble.

He sorts her trash to make certain that plastics and paper are in recycle bins. In time, they will resent each other for those differences. You don’t have to look for a guy who is your philosophical, spiritual and emotional clone to be happy.

Differences of opinion can be healthy – and even exciting. But differences that tear at the essence of the beliefs about who you are and your place in the universe become divisive and quarrelsome in any relationship.

Perhaps the best way to find a mate who shares your most treasured values is to go where like-minded people can be found. Maybe that’s at a certain church or synagogue that represents your spiritual beliefs.

If you are politically inclined, join that party’s local group and work on campaigns. Environmentalists have many different expressions of saving our world, so find one that you can care deeply about and meet others who feel the same way.

Why go to a bar where you never know who’s being their real self? You’ll find a better dating pool from people who share your values, beliefs, ethnicity or culture, and in the meantime, you’ll enjoy doing things that are meaningful to you.

Matchmaking is a fine art that’s still practiced. Whether among ethnic or cultural groups like the matchmaker made famous from the musical Fiddler on the Roof or the real life woman who is a matchmaker to millionaires in LA, there’s another option in matchmaking clubs.

It’s different than speed dating or singles clubs because the men are screened and selected to meet certain criteria. In some circles, this kind of service is very expensive yet popular among highly paid executives and business owners who don’t have time or patience for the usual pickup places.

They also value their privacy and don’t want to hang out in bars or bring people into their lives that aren’t well suited. The effectiveness varies and it’s a fair question to ask before signing up to find a match or be part of a pool for a potential match.

The type of matchmaking service that focuses on long term relationships sets out to introduce you to your future spouse. They find the person for you that so closely meets your most important values and beliefs that all you add is the love.

On an informal level, there are other groups that become unofficial dating pools. Some church singles groups have a large number of singles who are hoping to find mates. One criticism of all singles groups is that they tend to have more available women than men.

For the guys, it’s a buffet, while for the women it’s barely appetizers. There are community based groups such as Parents Without Partners where single mothers and single fathers meet for programs on solo parenting.

In the process, you have a pool of men who are declared to be singles and who have children. If you’re a member of this group because you’re also a single parent, then you immediately know where to find some single men who place a high value on their parenting roles. That’s exactly the kind of man you hope to meet.

Posting profiles with a dating service may result in a match. If the dating service specializes in matching for criteria that are important to you and not just an ordering service for the next tall, blue eyed blond, then you might find what you’re seeking.

There are even specialized dating services such as J-Date that matches only men and women who take their Jewish faith and cultural heritage seriously. The dating services are simply seeking to match you on enough items to make for an interesting dating opportunity.

They aren’t promising to find the love of your life, that’s still up to you. But by limiting the dating pool to candidate who would make suitable spouses, they can be a boon to singles who are tired of sorting through the masses to try to find good prospective partners.